Skull Fracture?

Well the same day Brielle started preschool Dawson had a little fall and when I say little I mean little. He only fell like a foot but it was straight down on the concrete. Obvious by looking at the pictures it was bad and I was freaking out. I immediately called his neurosurgeons (who I have on speed dial) they told me not to worry and unless he was throwing up again he was probably okay. I was not satisfied with that because I do not think the understood the magnitude of this goose egg! Sooo we dropped Brielle off at preschool and headed straight to the pediatricians. I had no appt. and they do not take walk ins but I was not taking no for an answer and as soon as the pediatrician heard Dawson Milius we were seen immediately.
His pediatrician says don't worry I see these bumps all the time and I am thinking but how many of them just had a brain tumor removed? Then he says, "Well where do you want to do a CT Scan?" He also said if the lump was hard he would send us home but because it is gushy it could be a brain bleed! He said if it is a fracture they will take you by ambulance to Primary Children's hospital for observation. Might as well of told me he had a tumor again, I lost it!
Of we went to the hospital did a CT scan and there was no fracture! Though the doctor who read the scan was concerned about the amount of fluid he still had in his brain and told us to contact our neurosurgeons immediately! Again, freak out city! (One of the side effects of having your brain produce to much fluid is that it does not always know how to stop producing, so a permanent shunt would be the only solution) He said they might have to put in a drain and drain the excess fluid. Apparently the is 7mm of extra fluid still surrounding his brain.
I talked to the neurosurgeons they compared the scan to the last one they did and said though his fluids were high they were lower than his last appointment. The local hospital just does not deal with post op brain scans very often. awwww! Considering he was at like 21mm of extra fluid I took this as a good sign, healing!
After 3 hours of the unknown we were home and completely exhausted!

Tell me have you ever seen a bump that big???? The last two pics are the next day, the swelling was down a lot!

Big Girl!

In the commotion of the last couple months and my mental issues I completely forgot or just pushed off signing Brielle up for preschool. There is a home run preschool literally around the block from my house and I was so excited to be able to squeeze Brielle in one day a week.
She absolutely loves it and talks about it all week but calls it primary because most of the kids are also in her primary class. hahaha The beauty of a wonderful community. The preschool is so cool it is in the basement with a little potty, little sinks, birds and fish.

Friends and All-U-Can Eat Pasta Bowl!

Well considering how crappy I have been feeling and how nothing seems to make me happy or feel better, Andrea suggests a trip to Olive Garden for All-U-Can eat pasta bowl. What could be better? She knows just how to make a girl smile!
I love thesed pictures of the kids on the way to eat, BOYS----OBLIVIOUS, GIRLS---POSING! hahahaha (So Brielle & Skylar) and (So Dawson & Trevor)

Play Area!

Well we finally did it! Finished our play area and it looks great! With 10 cubic yards of wood chips, the whole Stefan family, 5 5-Buck pizza's, one order of buffalo wings, one order of cinnamon pizza, 4 2-Liters of soda and a lot of sunblock, it is done. Everyone has to come over and play now! The trampoline is now in the play area as well. YEA!

Guilty!

It is amazing Dawson in doing great better than could be expected but me on the other hand, I am a mess. Dawson's only side effect at the moment is that he is a very attached, Momma's boy!
I find myself now feeling utterly exhausted. Exhausted of worry and fright. Exhausted of things to come and the unexpected. After now what seemed to be like the longest week ever I can say I am feeling a little better. Thanks to great friends and medication I think I am starting to turn a corner. I did not cry at all today! Though I cannot say that for yesterday or any other day. It is like this immense feeling of guilt that I cannot get rid of. Guilty for so many things and so many reasons, it is awful.
Why do I deserve a child that survives a brain tumor, why do I deserve great friends and family that all help me through this, guilty for feeling guilty, I should be nothing but grateful, right!
People keep saying, "Oh if anyone can handle it Kristin, U can!" Yea right, no pressure but everyone expects you to handle this with such greatness. Well so far not great. I feel like I have always been able to handle anything, I am a rock for many people and can usually take on a lot though not lately. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
I do not think I ever took my kids health for granted because quite frankly Dawson has always been well sickly then with Brielle's strep throat and broken arm I feel like I was and am always thanking my Heavenly Father for my healthy children.
I think deep down I always knew something was going on inside Dawson's body but I did not expect this, obviously.
It is really weird that when you go threw something so traumatic you honestly do not deal with any of it at the time. I just went through the motions to survive and help my baby survive but emotionally did not deal. Then you get home try to get back to "Normal," which everyone just expects, then, excuse my french all the S*** hits the fan.
I find myself not being able to do normal things, like cook, laundry, clean, things I typically enjoy and are quite anal about! They have just taken a back seat to these bricks I am carrying around. Though I do have an outlet with work! I have been working like crazy from home and it is like I loose myself in the numbers and do not have to have emotions, so that is great!
Hopefully the meds and counseling will help me start to fell better. I know now why they call it POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME.
Thanks to everyone!
(PS please don't think I am crazy this is just a late night ranting!)
Kristin

1 Month to the Day!

Well it has been one month to the day that Dawson first started vomiting. I find myself this month emotionally all over the place and today has hit really hard. I wonder if there is a point where a parent starts to feel normal again or if the sick feeling inside me is always going to be there? Though when I look at Dawson I am amazed at all we have been through in the last month.
I feel like a part of me died on that Tuesday, July 29 but a part of me was then re born on the 30th, does that even make sense?
I knew I could not handle this situation and so far not going great, we have upped my anti-anxiety meds and I am still having awful nightmares!
I am haunted by the awful answer less questions:
1. How did he get this tumor?
2. Why?
3. How long has there been signs I continued to miss?
4. Will it regrow?
5. Why was Dawson's benign and other kids are dying from tumors?
6. What am I supposed to learn from this? What if I do not learn what I am supposed to, can things get worse?
7. Can I ever fathom having more children now? I am scared.
It seems when we get good news I just expect the bad to come at the next appointment. Like his November MRI which is more in depth and could ultimately tell if there is any tumor left and if it has grown at all.
Then is this my fault? If I hadnt been working full time then maybe I would have noticed sooner? idk
Bad Day great kids!
Please do not take this post as a need to boost me up or anything, I am just venting!

Plus with those blue eyes looking at me everything else just melts away!

So THankful!

Never been so thankful to have a child with a positive strep throat swab in my life! Dawson is now on antibiotics and hopefully he will sleep better tonight!

Dawson has a fever!

Well Dawson started getting fussy last night and has been running a fever all day! Needless to say I am a nervous wreck but I already called Neurosurgery and they told me what to watch for. I think it is most likely some kind of virus but what timing right! AGHHH!

Thank you for the Power of Prayer!

Lets talk about the CT Scan first:
1. Less fluid around brain
2. More normal ventricle size
3. No apparent tumor left

Technically:
1. Still more fluid or pressure than a normal child should have but again less than before
2. Still larger ventricle size than a normal child
3. CT scans are not great for seeing small pieces of tumor.

Overall, our surgeons are ecstatic about the results, and how well Dawson is doing. They do not have any current concerns and we do not need to go back for 3 months.

NOW THE AMAZING PART:
Dawson's surgeon told us that never in any of the surgeons history had they seen a cyst form around this type of tumor. Typically cysts are formed around more aggressive tumors typically malignant. At their first thought they believed it would be malignant because of this cyst. After doing the MRI and really getting a good look it keep leading them to the benign form. After surgery they were convinced that it was benign as well as the pathologists! He also said that these tumors usually attach themselves really good to the brain often making it very difficult to remove them without damaging any brain matter but the cyst changed all of that for them. Making the tumor more easily accessible and more easy to remove. YEA
They are now using Dawson's case to educate the world on this new finding and possibility of a cyst around this type of tumor at a Neurosurgeons Conference next week.
At least if my son has to have a brain tumor its got to be one of a kind, right, wouldn't have it any other way!
I know with my whole heart that the power of our prayers has saved Dawson with the miracle of this cyst.

Follow up MRI:
In November to see if they were able to kill the little bit of tumor. They did say today that they left a little bit of the tumor there because trying to aggressively remove it might damage him more so they cauterized it, in hopes that it would kill it. This all makes me a nervous wreck thinking that there is still a tiny part in there but they are all so optimistic that I feel a little relieved.
Feeling incredibly blessed and nervous all at the same time. Do not know if I will ever get over this feeling of worry and anxiety! agggghhhhh.

Pray for Dawson tomorrow!

Tomorrow at 1pm we have a follow up CT scan for Dawson at Primary Childrens. Please pray for less fluid around the brain, complete tumor resection and normal ventricle size. Thanks for all the support from everyone!