Our Christmas!

We had a great Christmas! Christmas Eve at Mimi & Papa Milius' then Christmas Day at Mona and Coke Stefan's! It was a great holiday. Brielle and Dawson loved every minute of all the gifts and David and I enjoyed every minute of seeing them happy. We are so grateful for our children and the fact that Dawson is a miracle. This season seemed to mean more because of the past 5 months. We took time just to enjoy the kids excitement and treasure the moment. When I look back on the last five months I cannot help but get emotional. Things could have ended so differently, they could have ended so badly but instead we got a miracle :) We are thankful for everyday!

5 years and counting........

Well David and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary on the 20th. We went to my favorite place, Olive Garden which was fantastic probably because I havent been able to eat in a 2 weeks! We also went and saw 007! A dinner and a movie, we are so spoiled :) I love my Bob! 5 years to eternity....

Death of a Mother!

Monday, I got my tonsils and adenoids removed. Plus had work done on my non working nose. I had a deviated septum fixed, palopes and laser removal of the glands. The doctor said my nose was way worse once he got in there and that his is not sure how I survived as long as I did with that nose.
Well I have always known that I have a high tolerance for medications, it takes a lot to knock me out and a lot to relieve pain so they had a hard time putting me to sleep. Then of course had a hard time waking me up! I woke up in recovery having an asthma attack, fun right! I was in pain plus I could not breath, great combo! After they got the attack under control they started giving me pain meds! Awwhh, much better! I felt so good I guess I forgot to breath and actually stopped. The nurses and whole staff were at my bedside freakin out, which is to be expected right!
No more pain meds! I was dying! They would not give me anymore because of the breathing issues. I kept forgetting to breathe! I think at one point I said I would rather be pain free and not breathe, they did not go for that!
The pain is horrendous but it is hard to pin point what hurts the worst! The nose, throat or face! The pain meds I'm on now are really strong and I had to cut back because again I would forget to breathe! My sister had to keep yelling at me to breathe in the middle of the night!
Of course, I had to have an allergic reaction to something and my tongue, uvula and face are so swollen! I cannot even talk which is the worst thing in the world for me, right! I have no control at all!
Now I have added 5 more pills to my daily drugs to help the allergic reaction, great!
Oh yea I have like plastic straws sewn into my nose to hold it open, help with swelling and to help it drain, yummy! They freakin hurt and so do the stitches! I do not want to get them removed though, scared!
I'm a whiner I know!
Oh yea if this post does not make sense, I am sorry I am so drugged I can barely see!
Thanks to all that have helped and brought dinners, much appreciated by the family because of course I cannot eat!

Good News---Down 9.5lbs! The whole reason for the surgery!!

Birthday Pictures and X-Mas Pictures!

Well this is a hard time of year because we have both the kids birthdays, our Anniversary, Christmas, then David's birthday, ahhhh!
I took the kiddos to get pictures taken today and they turned out great! The photographer got smiles every time!
I love pictures and I cannot believe my kids are really, 4 & 2, someone needs to have a baby really soon so I can hold it!
Dawson did good for being four days post op! It seems like he is having a harder time the last two days then he did right after surgery. He will not swallow his spit or anything for that matter and is pretty miserable. He just walks around drooling all over the place. In between each picture I had to have him spit in a baby wipe just so he could smile without spit dribbling all over himself, yuk!
Why didn't I just wait to take photos later you might ask? Well for the kids birthdays you get 2 free 8 x 10's and 20% off but you have to do it within 30 days of their birthday and I am sure I will not feel up to next week after my surgery so, today was it!
Let me know what you all think!

Thanksgiving!

I have not been super motivated to write about Thanksgiving because there is just so much to be grateful for this year. I could not even begin to list the important people or things in our life. I feel like it would take two full pages of posting to do an accurate job so lets just say we are more grateful than in the past for our family and the gospel and leave it at that!

Did not take great pics on Thanksgiving due to the fact that I was preparing food but you get the jest of our day. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!

He did good!

Well the took Dawson in at 3:15pm and he was done by 4pm. That is what I call an efficient surgery! The gave him a drug in the play room that makes them feel drunk and it is hilarious! He woke up cranky but that's to be expected and he was on drugs all night.
The hospital was having problems with there heater and it was so hot I am not sure if he or I sleep all night! At midnight the nurses started distributing fans, that's how miserable it was. Then at 2am I almost left against doctors orders, it was by far the worst hospital stay ever, to date! Our bed did not work, the room was a cubicle and we were sweating!
Enough complaining, Dawson is doing good, surprising me but let's face it this kid is a tough cookie. He seems like his throat feels better than when he has strep. By that I mean he is eating and drinking better than when he has strep. Maybe it is the liquid Loritab :)
David is off tomorrow so that means I am off to work! Then Monday time for my tonsils to come out. I am clinging to the 10-15lbs. weight loss that is expected not the excruciating pain that I will be in! :(

Didn't get any pictures of Dawson after surgery to busy holding him. Oh yea I dyed my hair for those of you who have not seen me!

Off to Primary Children's We Go!

Well today is the day! Dawson is getting his tonsils out at 3:45pm and because of his history we are spending the night, yea! That means a wonderful chair for Mommy to sleep in and nurses coming in every 4 hours. :) I am really torn about doing this procedure, I mean I know he needs it done he has had strep throat for about 3 months straight but right now he is healthy. It is really hard to inflict pain on your child especially one that has been through so much!
Though here is the break down for the last 3 months:
6 strep throats
6 anti-biotics (including injections)
9 doctors visits (just for strep)
1 ER visit
20 days of fevers
two bottles of Motrin
3 months of sleep deprivation :(
The above statistics does not even include the broken foot which required 2 doctors visits, a casting, plus a cast removal!
(Disclaimer: The photo is of an Oreo cookie mouth!)

Happy 2nd Birthday Dawson!

Well my baby is not a baby anymore! Dawson turned 2 while we were in California but like always had strep throat so we did not celebrate it until we got home.
We got a "ball" cake and he was thrilled. He actually blew out the candle himself. He liked the cupcakes but not the mess, he is so OCD like his mother! Certainly not all boy.
He loved opening his gifts and was so excited about each of them. This is going to be such a fun X-mas!
We love this boy so much! He melts our heart when we look at him and he is progressing so rapidly now it is sad :(. He knows tons of sign language and is now learning so many new words. It is like our baby grew up in two months instead of gradually like most kids. So while he plays catch up on all of his milestones we try to savor each one!
We love you, Baby D.

Our Disneyland Trip!

Well David and I decided when Dawson first got sick that we would take the kids to Disneyland no matter what. We thought at the time if we were going to loose him then we wanted to have this memory as a family together. Of course Dawson is doing great!
Our trip was just what the doctor ordered! We feel revived and ready to start fresh. Brielle got to meet her favorite princesses and was ecstatic. Dawson liked Dumbo, and the carousel and that is about it. He liked all the characters from far away and that it where it ended. He did not want to meet any of them!
We stayed in a nice hotel and were able to walk back and forth to Disneyland, making nap time great! We were able to visit with a lot of family and friends but of course not everyone.
I am so thankful for this trip and the closeness we feel as a family because of it. We enjoyed every minute even when it was really hot!
I have to make a special thank you to a dear and wonderful friend, my college roommate! Without her this trip would have not been possible. See Mary sent us a $500 dollar gift card for Disneyland when she found out we were going! It went so far in our trip! It made the trip worry free! I love you Mary and you are an amazing person! Thank you.

DEXTER SCOTT WATTLES June 1, 2003 - November 18, 2005

As most of you know the only reason I knew what was going on with Dawson is that a family friend had gone through the same thing. If it were not for this little boy and what his family went through I am not sure Dawson would even be alive today. Dexter's first symptoms were flu like and the hospital kept telling his mother that it was the flu, yada yada but she knew something was wrong. He was sent home three times before they found out what was really going on.

I had this in my head playing over and over when Dawson got sick. I knew without a doubt what it was. In fact when we were admitted to Davis Hospital I told our Pediatrician immediately that I knew he had something going on in his head. I was told the odds of that were very low and that they were sure it was just the flu, ha! Mothers have a direct connection with their children doctors need to listen!

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Dexter and say a little prayer for his family. I believe he was there with us whispering in my ear to not give up until they found Dawson's tumor.

One can never imagine what it feels like to hear the words, "We found a mass," they haunt my dreams and kept me up at night. They run through my brain daily and I wish no parent would ever have to hear those words.

Without the support of Dexter's Mommy I would probably still be a mess. She has helped me beyond words can describe. She knows how I feel, she has felt it! She has so much knowledge and has been a great resource. She is a great, friend and a wonderful Mother! I pray that my friend and Dexter's Mommy will have a good holiday during this difficult time of year and feel little Dexter's spirit with her. I know he is probably a leader in the highest kingdom of Heaven. How special he was!

(Please remember this wonderful family in your prayers this holiday season!)

I am THANKFUL for this family!

Dawson's Thank You Cards!

I am sending these cards out to all of the Doctors and Nurses that helped us during our ordeal!

Happy 4th Birthday Brielle!

My beautiful baby is 4 years old! It happened so fast and I fell like we have all grown so much. She was a perfect baby, ate, slept and filled her diaper what more could you ask for? She grew into a wonderful toddler and was so enjoyable. David and I loved just watching her explore the world and watching the excitement in her eyes. She has continued to grow and at times I do not want her to. She is now a beautiful little girl that lights up so many lives. She is the spark in our family and makes so many people happy and smile. She is a great sister and truly cares about others feelings. She does anything and everything for her little brother and is always thinking of others. She will save her last piece of candy for a friend if she thinks they would like it. She loves to sleep and gets irritated when you wake her too early! (I don't know where she gets that?) Her vocabulary is outrageous and she is always cracking us up with some silly saying. She may be a big girl now but she still likes to snuggle and that makes us very happy. I love this little girl and she is a miracle, a healthy 4 year old girl!

The "Birthday Fairy" came to our house, which is balloons and some decor done by the fairy on the eve before the birthday so the child wakes up to decorations. Also we went to Chuck "E" Cheese, worst day of my life, dirty, hot, stinky, crowded agghhh an OCD's worst nightmare but Brielle had a great time so it was worth it!

So Behind! Halloween!

Well I told myself that I did not want to post any pics until I digital scrap booked them. Well as you can see all that did was slow down my posts not speed up my scrap booking!
Here are some of our Halloween pictures! As you can see Brielle was "Super Girl," and adorable and Dawson was what else, a "Neurosurgeon." Very appropriate we thought. He loved his stethoscope and knew exactly how to use it, I do not know how!
David was a white trash clown riding his Unicycle around the neighborhood, then he threw on that crazy wig! Oh yea we found a homeless woman on the street and took a picture with her! No just kidding that his David's Mom!

Great Book!

I have felt lately like I really needed a boost so I found this book at the DI had no idea what it was about or if it was even good. It was! Jane did a great job explaining the importance of our roles as mothers and the gospel examples she used were fabulous! I recommend it to all. The DI still had several copies so get one.
It was really the confidence boost I needed!

My OCD vs. My children!

Well I have come to a realization: I cannot do everything!
I mean I cannot:
be a mom
be a wife
be a sister
be a daughter
be a daughter in law
be a friend
be a faithful daughter of God
work 40+ hours a week
be a housekeeper
be a chef
be a doctor
be a dentist
be a taxi
be a gardner
be an athlete
be skinny
be a neighbor!
etc., etc., etc.,

Something has to give and because it cannot be the first two what can it be? I have decided to start and let go of some of my OCD's. Which for those of you who know me is a big step! I am admitting now that there are going to be dishes in my sink from time to time, there may be laundry to do, there are definitely toilets to be scrubbed and floors to be swept but there will not be children to love or a husband to love because those are my #1 priorities. I have to work so when I am home it is going to be about my children and not my dishes. Wow, that is so incredibly hard to say but I am working on it.

OCD vs my children::: OCD -0 Children-1

Lunch Meat and Hotdogs!

I think that the past 3 months have really taken a toll on me. The stuff I used to find pleasure in I don't anymore. I have been battling a lot of depression and anxiety! Do not get me wrong I am completely and utterly grateful to my Heavenly Father for my blessings, things could be so much worse, I know that.
I feel forever guilty for everything that has transpired over the last few months, I recently just read some reports on eating lunch meats/hot dogs while pregnant and the increased risk of brain tumors in the unborn child. That absolutely kills me! The worst part of this whole disaster is wondering if I somehow caused it? Did I cause my son to suffer? Did I eat too much lunch meat? Did I eat any hot dogs? eeewww. This are the awful things that will forever be running through my brain until I know the answer, which I understand may not be until I am gone but someday.
My counselor is like a miracle worker. She told me about a month ago that I was only allowed to worry two hours out of the day. If something came up that made me want to worry I could write it down but could think of it no further. I scheduled my "worry time" about 9-11pm every night. It has made a world of difference for me! It has given me an out to my needing to worry because she says I can't. Sounds easy right! I encourage all you worry warts out there to try it. It is exhilarating and so freeing. I feel like the wait of the world is off my shoulders, ahhhh! Though right now is my worry time, hence the anxiety in the post. hehehehe

If interested click on the link to read about the hot dogs and brain tumors:

http://www.preventc ancer.com/ consumers/ food/hotdogs. htm

Brielle's preschool Treat!

Well it was Brielle's turn to bring the treat to preschool and we chose for Halloween some spider cupcakes! We all had a great time making them and had an even better time eating them! They turned out great and Brielle loved all the attention.

These are the only pictures I was able to get at the hospital because I was paying to much attention to Dawson when he was awake. The medicine they gave him to go to sleep was amazing it took like 3 seconds and he was out! Every mother should have a little stash off that around for those bad days! j/k Though the after Dawson was not worth it, cranky like never before.

All Clear!

No visible tumor!!! Yeahhhh. We feel so good. He still has a lot of fluid around his brain which causes the head to grow but the doctor cannot guarantee that it is not normal growth at this point so in three months we will check his head size again and if it is still increasing rapidly then according to the doctor we may have to do something about it. Which means a shunt! For us as long as he in not showing any outward signs of hydrocephalus i.e. vomitting or balance issues, we are not going to do anything about it.
Great day overall! We are just so emotionally drained now!!!

Could not have gotten better results!!!

Fasting for Dawson!

Dear Friends and Family,
I have rewrote this email in my mind over and over again the past few days so lets hope it goes smoothly. I feel like we are forever in need of help or something but this is an important week for us. Dawson is scheduled for his MRI on Thursday, morning October 23. We will be getting as many people to fast as humanly possible.
First let me say a few things, the last couple of months have been a struggle. It is hard to explain what I have been feeling but Dawson's whole ordeal has tested or family or faith and our lives. I live with constant worry, that this tumor may came back that it metastasizes into cancer or that Dawson doesn't progress like he should. Our counselor is our ultimate help, she reassures us, comforts us and helps us get through these worries. David has done a lot better than I have but I think I have gotten to a place where I live for today and try not to worry about tomorrow. I have faith that Heavenly Father knows how I feel and understands my fears and has a plan for us all. If you think about your ultimate fear most of us would say loosing a child. The first day we found out about his tumor I could not help but believe we were going to loose our baby, so for about 24 hours I thought the worst. The grief I felt was the most horrendous full body pain I have ever experienced and I have been trying to overcome it ever since. I think I have had this MRI sketched in my brain as D-Day for all this time and it will ultimately tell us what are next step in this awful roller coaster of brain tumors will be.
This MRI is important for many reasons:
It will show us if there is any tumor left! This is crucial in his overall survival rate, if not fully ressected it has a over a 60% chance of growing back! If not fully ressected in has over a 50% chance of Metastasizing into cancer.
It will show how is brain has recovered from this surgery.
If there is any brain damage.
If his ventricles are shrinking.
If his fluid amounts are at a safe enough level to avoid having a permanent shunt put in.
David and I both have talked about the amount of support we received while we were in the hospital and it was amazing. Of course we would not wish this upon anyone but the support we felt was like nothing we have felt before. We felt like we could single handedly take on an army with the backing of all of our friends and family. It is so empowering to feel the power of fasting during such an emotionally time. We know it made a difference in our "Baby D" and his outcome. We know we will never be able to thank everyone personally for all that was done but take this as a personal THANK YOU from the Milius family.
Now some good news, Dawson has really seemed to excel since his surgery in his vocabulary, his walking, his hand-eye coordination, really everything. It is a true miracle to see this kid and we hope that everyone gets a chance to witness his special spirit, so come visit.
The MRI process is a long one, he will have to be put to sleep to avoid moving while in the machine then the MRI takes about 1.5 hours. It takes so long because they are doing it with contrast and without so they can see all blood vessels, etc. We will let everyone know what is going on asap but just assume no news is good news!

Thanks so much to everyone,
Kristin Milius

Pumpkin Patch Fun!

This is the kids and David at the Pumpkin Patch field trip for Brielle's Preschool. The kids had so much fun it was awesome. Even Dawson started to enjoy himself except for the hay, which he was not a big fan of! Take a close up look at the pictures some of the facial expressions are hilarious!! (They even brought a sack lunch and ate at the patch!) The top picks are of Brielle and her "vest friend" Skylar. Also among my kids are Kylie and Dylan Langford!

Play Day!

Well my sister Karly has had some really bad morning sickenss with her second pregnancy so I took her little girl Lyla for the day! It was so much fun we went to Arctic Circle and played and had lunch the went to the 99 cent store and bought some junk. She is so cute and my kids love her so it was not a problem at all. Though gettting two almost two year olds in and out of the car was a bit interesting, I do not know how parents of twins do it.

Brielle's first haircut!

Well I have always trimmed her hair and cut her bangs but I decided it was time for a professional. See her hair is so thick it is hard to even brush, let alone wash. We were getting very frustrated and fighting about it, (her and I) and so it had to come off. VERDICT: We love it! She looks so grown up and it is 100% easier to do and wash. Leave her a comment and let her know what you think!

Dawson helping me with my work!

Dawson likes to climb in my work bucket and "help me"!

How I love this BOY!

I know recently my posts have been, well depressing, so this post is going to be all positive. I love my baby boy. He is like an extension of my heart wrapped in this perfect little body! When he smiles it melts my heart and we he cries I want to fix it. It is really hard trying to being a parent to him right now because of all he has been through. I want him to be happy, I want him to have everything he wants and I never want him to be sad! As all of you can imagine this does not always coincide with good behavior but I am not completely ready to discipline him. I may irreversible screw him up but lets face it who in the world is not despite their parents best efforts!! And I don't care that he has a big head I think he is perfect! (Disclaimer: I love Brielle just as much and feel the same about her I just had this picture that I wanted to post so that is why it is just about Baby D!)

AYSO

Good ol' Ayso soccer! My little brother Ryan is really good we went and watched his game a few weeks ago and as you can see had a great time. Dawson loves relaxing in his chair, Brielle had a good time with cousin Lyla and Auntie Kaelyn and Ryan did great.

Found this on someone elses BLOG! IT IS PERFECT!

Things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded, spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

I know I did not loose a child but on that horrible day part of me felt like I did. I did not feel like there was a good possible outcome of course to my surprise there was. I still am dealing with all of these emotions, and it's awful!

Forever a bad DATE!!!!!!!!!!

I hate the day the date the memory and the reality!

I HATE DATES!

Dates forever are going to bring bad memories!
The 24th Dawson threw up for the first time.
The 27th Admitted to Davis Hospital.
29th WORST DAY OF OUR LIVES DIAGNOSIS OF BRAIN TUMOR
30th BEST DAY of our lives when they removed (most) of it and told us it was benign!
4th We came home!

These are Dawson scans the first one has the tumor, it is big and white! The clear pocket almost surrounding it is the miracle cyst that formed. Then if you notice the dark areas are triple the size they should be, this is called hydrocephalus (excess ventricle size or fluid build up).

The second one is post op! There is a lot of fluid built up but that was to be expected because of the surgery.

The last picture is of a normal brain, NOT DAWSON's but I thought I would give you something to compare all of these to. It is an adult scan so the white skull is really thick around the brain compared to a child's. (This is a CT scan not an MRI so that is why it is not as detailed)

I hate that he had this, that there is still a little tumor in there, that it could grow again, that it could possibly turn malignant. I will never be the same!

OCT. 23 we find out all of the above worries! With a detailed MRI! I cannot wait for that day to come and I am terrified all at the same time! There is forever a pit in my stomach!

Live each day to the fullest because tomorrow is SCARY!