Now that everyone...............

Knows why I have been out of the blogging world lately now I can continue blogging. :) YEA..... I know, I know I have been greatly missed.

Sooooooooooooooo.................What is new with us? It seems this pregnancy has been the hardest in terms of morning sickness than my other two pregnancies combined. Though it is not necessarily morning sickness but ALL DAY SICKNESS...and worse in the middle of the night. I can be seen running to the toilet at 1,2,3,4 am loosing whatever I ate for dinner. I have now decided to eat meals that I do not care to loose later.

I have also decided this may not be a baby after all but some kind of alien life-form that likes to see me suffer ;). I am also aware that I am a big WIMP....I hate throwing up. Which means at those times in the middle of the night I can also be found crying. What a baby!.. I know! I am hoping in a couple weeks when I hit that magical 2nd Trimester I will get some relief and energy back!...

I think my biggest struggle with having another baby is anxiety. Once you have experienced a traumatic event it is very, very hard to find the "bright side" in things. I have struggled a lot with my emotions since July 08 and it has been hard to move on, if you will. Once you have become a part of that world it seems all you read about our see is more traumatic events. I have come to the conclusion that life is NOT easy. Horrible things happen to wonderful families. No one is exempt. The time will come for all, I believe, to have your soul shaken down to its core. Just better pray your ready.

This is what brings me to my fear. We, for some reason unknown to us, were granted the most wonderful miracle!.. A healthy boy, who as of now has absolutely no problems!!!! We got our miracle already so why tempt fate? I have two healthy children now, why add more to the odds? If something else happens we have used up our "Miracles" we will have no options. I have struggled a lot with the idea of more children. I have always wanted more but after that experience it has been very difficult.

After all, it takes one microscopic cell to grow wrong and boom you have a brain tumor, or cancer. A healthy child is actually the MIRACLE.

My only comfort is that I handled our ordeal soooo poorly that I obviously could not be tested much further, right? RIGHT? That was all I could ever handle, that makes me in the clear of any other trials!.. Wait, no it does not, well great!!!! ;)

I have always been neurotic and OCD. Some things make me more "nervous" than other things. Like dirty hands!.. My kids love to get dirty hands then touch their faces/mouths. (go figure right?) AHHHHHHH.

I was never worried with my first two pregnancies about miscarriage or any other problems. Things would just be perfect and nothing could go wrong so it was easy to just be happy all the time. Now that I have been introduced to the NON-perfect world I realize a whole heck of a lot can go WRONG. Which makes my anxiety, OCD, worrying very heightened.

This brings me to my first OB appointment. In California you get an ultrasound very early to confirm your pregnancy. Well apparently my doctor here in Utah does not usually do one. Now notice that I said USUALLY. Though when you get a crazy, neurotic, possibly insane mother in your office you have to do an ultrasound just to assure her that there is in fact a baby and not just an empty sac growing! ;) Luckily, I have a fabulous Doctor whom I love and she "understands" me! We did agree that we would like to keep this baby in longer than Dawson was and try to avoid the NICU if at all possible ;) Sounds like a great plan to me!!!

Oh and you better believe I am going to be a fool looking at the brain development in the ultrasounds of this baby! :)))))))))))))

By the way David says its a girl because the pregnancy seems to be more like Brielle's than Dawson's. I was convinced it was a boy at first but now that I have been so sick I am definitely sticking with my first theory.....Alien Life-FORM.