Forever a bad DATE!!!!!!!!!!

I hate the day the date the memory and the reality!

I HATE DATES!

Dates forever are going to bring bad memories!
The 24th Dawson threw up for the first time.
The 27th Admitted to Davis Hospital.
29th WORST DAY OF OUR LIVES DIAGNOSIS OF BRAIN TUMOR
30th BEST DAY of our lives when they removed (most) of it and told us it was benign!
4th We came home!

These are Dawson scans the first one has the tumor, it is big and white! The clear pocket almost surrounding it is the miracle cyst that formed. Then if you notice the dark areas are triple the size they should be, this is called hydrocephalus (excess ventricle size or fluid build up).

The second one is post op! There is a lot of fluid built up but that was to be expected because of the surgery.

The last picture is of a normal brain, NOT DAWSON's but I thought I would give you something to compare all of these to. It is an adult scan so the white skull is really thick around the brain compared to a child's. (This is a CT scan not an MRI so that is why it is not as detailed)

I hate that he had this, that there is still a little tumor in there, that it could grow again, that it could possibly turn malignant. I will never be the same!

OCT. 23 we find out all of the above worries! With a detailed MRI! I cannot wait for that day to come and I am terrified all at the same time! There is forever a pit in my stomach!

Live each day to the fullest because tomorrow is SCARY!

Skull Fracture?

Well the same day Brielle started preschool Dawson had a little fall and when I say little I mean little. He only fell like a foot but it was straight down on the concrete. Obvious by looking at the pictures it was bad and I was freaking out. I immediately called his neurosurgeons (who I have on speed dial) they told me not to worry and unless he was throwing up again he was probably okay. I was not satisfied with that because I do not think the understood the magnitude of this goose egg! Sooo we dropped Brielle off at preschool and headed straight to the pediatricians. I had no appt. and they do not take walk ins but I was not taking no for an answer and as soon as the pediatrician heard Dawson Milius we were seen immediately.
His pediatrician says don't worry I see these bumps all the time and I am thinking but how many of them just had a brain tumor removed? Then he says, "Well where do you want to do a CT Scan?" He also said if the lump was hard he would send us home but because it is gushy it could be a brain bleed! He said if it is a fracture they will take you by ambulance to Primary Children's hospital for observation. Might as well of told me he had a tumor again, I lost it!
Of we went to the hospital did a CT scan and there was no fracture! Though the doctor who read the scan was concerned about the amount of fluid he still had in his brain and told us to contact our neurosurgeons immediately! Again, freak out city! (One of the side effects of having your brain produce to much fluid is that it does not always know how to stop producing, so a permanent shunt would be the only solution) He said they might have to put in a drain and drain the excess fluid. Apparently the is 7mm of extra fluid still surrounding his brain.
I talked to the neurosurgeons they compared the scan to the last one they did and said though his fluids were high they were lower than his last appointment. The local hospital just does not deal with post op brain scans very often. awwww! Considering he was at like 21mm of extra fluid I took this as a good sign, healing!
After 3 hours of the unknown we were home and completely exhausted!

Tell me have you ever seen a bump that big???? The last two pics are the next day, the swelling was down a lot!

Big Girl!

In the commotion of the last couple months and my mental issues I completely forgot or just pushed off signing Brielle up for preschool. There is a home run preschool literally around the block from my house and I was so excited to be able to squeeze Brielle in one day a week.
She absolutely loves it and talks about it all week but calls it primary because most of the kids are also in her primary class. hahaha The beauty of a wonderful community. The preschool is so cool it is in the basement with a little potty, little sinks, birds and fish.

Friends and All-U-Can Eat Pasta Bowl!

Well considering how crappy I have been feeling and how nothing seems to make me happy or feel better, Andrea suggests a trip to Olive Garden for All-U-Can eat pasta bowl. What could be better? She knows just how to make a girl smile!
I love thesed pictures of the kids on the way to eat, BOYS----OBLIVIOUS, GIRLS---POSING! hahahaha (So Brielle & Skylar) and (So Dawson & Trevor)

Play Area!

Well we finally did it! Finished our play area and it looks great! With 10 cubic yards of wood chips, the whole Stefan family, 5 5-Buck pizza's, one order of buffalo wings, one order of cinnamon pizza, 4 2-Liters of soda and a lot of sunblock, it is done. Everyone has to come over and play now! The trampoline is now in the play area as well. YEA!

Guilty!

It is amazing Dawson in doing great better than could be expected but me on the other hand, I am a mess. Dawson's only side effect at the moment is that he is a very attached, Momma's boy!
I find myself now feeling utterly exhausted. Exhausted of worry and fright. Exhausted of things to come and the unexpected. After now what seemed to be like the longest week ever I can say I am feeling a little better. Thanks to great friends and medication I think I am starting to turn a corner. I did not cry at all today! Though I cannot say that for yesterday or any other day. It is like this immense feeling of guilt that I cannot get rid of. Guilty for so many things and so many reasons, it is awful.
Why do I deserve a child that survives a brain tumor, why do I deserve great friends and family that all help me through this, guilty for feeling guilty, I should be nothing but grateful, right!
People keep saying, "Oh if anyone can handle it Kristin, U can!" Yea right, no pressure but everyone expects you to handle this with such greatness. Well so far not great. I feel like I have always been able to handle anything, I am a rock for many people and can usually take on a lot though not lately. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
I do not think I ever took my kids health for granted because quite frankly Dawson has always been well sickly then with Brielle's strep throat and broken arm I feel like I was and am always thanking my Heavenly Father for my healthy children.
I think deep down I always knew something was going on inside Dawson's body but I did not expect this, obviously.
It is really weird that when you go threw something so traumatic you honestly do not deal with any of it at the time. I just went through the motions to survive and help my baby survive but emotionally did not deal. Then you get home try to get back to "Normal," which everyone just expects, then, excuse my french all the S*** hits the fan.
I find myself not being able to do normal things, like cook, laundry, clean, things I typically enjoy and are quite anal about! They have just taken a back seat to these bricks I am carrying around. Though I do have an outlet with work! I have been working like crazy from home and it is like I loose myself in the numbers and do not have to have emotions, so that is great!
Hopefully the meds and counseling will help me start to fell better. I know now why they call it POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME.
Thanks to everyone!
(PS please don't think I am crazy this is just a late night ranting!)
Kristin