Monday, September 1, 2008

Guilty!

It is amazing Dawson in doing great better than could be expected but me on the other hand, I am a mess. Dawson's only side effect at the moment is that he is a very attached, Momma's boy!
I find myself now feeling utterly exhausted. Exhausted of worry and fright. Exhausted of things to come and the unexpected. After now what seemed to be like the longest week ever I can say I am feeling a little better. Thanks to great friends and medication I think I am starting to turn a corner. I did not cry at all today! Though I cannot say that for yesterday or any other day. It is like this immense feeling of guilt that I cannot get rid of. Guilty for so many things and so many reasons, it is awful.
Why do I deserve a child that survives a brain tumor, why do I deserve great friends and family that all help me through this, guilty for feeling guilty, I should be nothing but grateful, right!
People keep saying, "Oh if anyone can handle it Kristin, U can!" Yea right, no pressure but everyone expects you to handle this with such greatness. Well so far not great. I feel like I have always been able to handle anything, I am a rock for many people and can usually take on a lot though not lately. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
I do not think I ever took my kids health for granted because quite frankly Dawson has always been well sickly then with Brielle's strep throat and broken arm I feel like I was and am always thanking my Heavenly Father for my healthy children.
I think deep down I always knew something was going on inside Dawson's body but I did not expect this, obviously.
It is really weird that when you go threw something so traumatic you honestly do not deal with any of it at the time. I just went through the motions to survive and help my baby survive but emotionally did not deal. Then you get home try to get back to "Normal," which everyone just expects, then, excuse my french all the S*** hits the fan.
I find myself not being able to do normal things, like cook, laundry, clean, things I typically enjoy and are quite anal about! They have just taken a back seat to these bricks I am carrying around. Though I do have an outlet with work! I have been working like crazy from home and it is like I loose myself in the numbers and do not have to have emotions, so that is great!
Hopefully the meds and counseling will help me start to fell better. I know now why they call it POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME.
Thanks to everyone!
(PS please don't think I am crazy this is just a late night ranting!)
Kristin

5 comments:

Missy said...

Actually Kristin when I read that I think I am glad it's not just me.If you need to talk ever call me, seriously.

Kati said...

Having gone through some trauma in my life as well, all I can offer is the hope that there is semi-normal life on the other end. I know in the middle of it, it does not feel like it will ever be ok, but somehow, time manages to help break down the massiveness of the challenges. I promise. Hang in there. Know that there are people around you that think you are amazing and that counseling and medication are gifts from God! I'll be praying for you and your family.

The Ward Family said...

You aren't crazy, it's good to let out how you're feeling. Kati is right, time manages to help breakdown the challenges. Just let the cooking and cleaning pile up . . .and ask your visiting teachers to do it :) That's what they are there for.

Jenn said...

I admire you for everything you are going through. It has got to be so tough!! It was so good to see you at the store and see sweet little Dawson healthy and well. If you ever need anything I would be happy to help. We never see you guys anymore, now that we are in the other ward. Hang in there girl!

The Strong Story said...

I also went through PTSD after a car accident years ago. I promise you that it does get better but you have to be patient with yourself and learn how to take one thing at a time. The hardest thing is that you feel like your basically in control of everything and then something traumatic happens and you realize that there are many things that are out of your control and that is a scary thing. The biggest help for me was breathing and relaxation exercises maybe you could talk to the counselor about walking you through some of the exercises. I hope it helps. You are strong and you will get through this even though right now that seems impossible.