Sunday, August 24, 2008

1 Month to the Day!

Well it has been one month to the day that Dawson first started vomiting. I find myself this month emotionally all over the place and today has hit really hard. I wonder if there is a point where a parent starts to feel normal again or if the sick feeling inside me is always going to be there? Though when I look at Dawson I am amazed at all we have been through in the last month.
I feel like a part of me died on that Tuesday, July 29 but a part of me was then re born on the 30th, does that even make sense?
I knew I could not handle this situation and so far not going great, we have upped my anti-anxiety meds and I am still having awful nightmares!
I am haunted by the awful answer less questions:
1. How did he get this tumor?
2. Why?
3. How long has there been signs I continued to miss?
4. Will it regrow?
5. Why was Dawson's benign and other kids are dying from tumors?
6. What am I supposed to learn from this? What if I do not learn what I am supposed to, can things get worse?
7. Can I ever fathom having more children now? I am scared.
It seems when we get good news I just expect the bad to come at the next appointment. Like his November MRI which is more in depth and could ultimately tell if there is any tumor left and if it has grown at all.
Then is this my fault? If I hadnt been working full time then maybe I would have noticed sooner? idk
Bad Day great kids!
Please do not take this post as a need to boost me up or anything, I am just venting!

Plus with those blue eyes looking at me everything else just melts away!


Anonymous said...

You are a good mom. Lots of moms work. Dawson is a fighter. Everything is going to be OK.
Love ya!

The Ward Family said...

I think every mom would ask the same questions. Hang in there. I wish u lived closer so we could hang out.

Andrea said...

I'm pretty sure my kids are only normal because I'm out of their hair 20 hours a week. Seriously, this has NOTHING to do with you working. I don't blame you for these feelings!

Katie Johnson said...

I miss everyone and wish I were there to help.

Anonymous said...

First of all Kristin, there is nothing you did or could have done to prevent this. You are one of the best mothers I have ever known. You know me, I worry about everything and I never noticed anything unusual about Dawson. I feel we have all learned the power of prayer from Dawson's tumor and YES, he will be okay. The cyst surrounding the tumor proves that he was being protected and is needed here on earth and will continue here on earth to teach us all great lessons.

It is normal for a mother to feel the way you feel when they've had the scare of their life but someday the fear will go away. His MRI will be fine. They are only doing it to make sure he is okay, it routine.

I love you and will always be here for you honey.

Love, Mimi