Well a lot of exciting things have happened lately but I just do not feel much like blogging. I have realized that the end of the Month is the hardest for me, mentally! Not only do the dates bring back bad memories but my hormones are out of whack also, not a great combination we have decided. I have a difficult time just functioning.
It is not like I go a day without thinking about the "ordeal" but at the end of the month it is worse because I am so emotional. I can seem to handle it the rest of the month I relive it daily, I get nauseous, cold sweats, nightmares etc. The nightmares are the worst but I am getting a better handle on them, I think.
I often say that "I knew" what was going on the whole time with Dawson but I keep praying that I was wrong, that my gut was just misleading me but when our pediatrician walked in with the other Doctor "I knew" my suspicions were right and that is the moment I relive over and over. I completely lost it even before they said anything, because I knew what they were going to say! I remember not being able to breath like some one was pushing on my chest, I often feel it when I think back. Then Dawson, (who had not lifted his head in days) looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes with such concern, for ME, can you believe that, he was the one who was sick but he looked at me with worry! So many thoughts went through my head in that exact moment, how could such a perfect boy be sick, how could my child have this, how are we ever going to survive this, and there is no good outcome from these things how could I ever go on if we loose him? I just stared at him wondering how long we would have him?
My brain and my heart where telling me two different things at this point and for about 24 hours until after his surgery. My brain was saying no one survives this and my heart was saying he has to survive this.
The other moment I relive over and over, is when Dawson was already on the ventilator and under it was 2 am and the Neurosurgeon said we decided to scan his spine to look for more tumors. I thought at that moment that is was over, my little boy was going to leave this Earth way before any of us. I collapsed on his bed, my legs just gave out the room was spinning I thought I was going to pass out! See the brain is all connected to the spine, the fluid runs all through it which means if you have brain cancer you often have some in your spine. I knew that but was not prepared to hear it. The Neurosurgeon grabs my shoulders and says it was clear, his spine was clear. I could have killed him he should have started with that news first!!
Still to this day 8 months later I still relive it!!! Everyday! It is so hard to put it away, the feelings are so fresh in my mind it feels like it was yesterday! It often creeps up on me and I can usually control my emotion most of the time but the end of the month there is no controlling it. I often start crying for no reason, at work, the store, in the car, at church etc. I NEVER, NEVER want to feel that hopelessness and fear again!
Of course now I am even more neurotic, every bruise is Leukemia, every ache is a bone tumor, it is awful. I watch him like a hawk, waiting for signs or symptoms, wondering when and if it will ever grow back!
David and I decided that vomiting is not allowed in our house! That was of course his first outward symptom and it triggers horrible feelings. A few weeks ago Brielle was coughing in the middle of the night and threw up, David started to panic. He was freaking out, then we realized why. Bad memories!!!
I am sorry for being MIA lately its just during this time I hate everyone, I do not want to see anyone and have to fake normalcy, I just want to be alone and cry. Then after a few days I feel better.
Sooo the next couple of days should bring a weeks worth of overdue posting:)
