Monday, April 6, 2009

Re Living IT!

Well a lot of exciting things have happened lately but I just do not feel much like blogging. I have realized that the end of the Month is the hardest for me, mentally! Not only do the dates bring back bad memories but my hormones are out of whack also, not a great combination we have decided. I have a difficult time just functioning.
It is not like I go a day without thinking about the "ordeal" but at the end of the month it is worse because I am so emotional. I can seem to handle it the rest of the month I relive it daily, I get nauseous, cold sweats, nightmares etc. The nightmares are the worst but I am getting a better handle on them, I think.
I often say that "I knew" what was going on the whole time with Dawson but I keep praying that I was wrong, that my gut was just misleading me but when our pediatrician walked in with the other Doctor "I knew" my suspicions were right and that is the moment I relive over and over. I completely lost it even before they said anything, because I knew what they were going to say! I remember not being able to breath like some one was pushing on my chest, I often feel it when I think back. Then Dawson, (who had not lifted his head in days) looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes with such concern, for ME, can you believe that, he was the one who was sick but he looked at me with worry! So many thoughts went through my head in that exact moment, how could such a perfect boy be sick, how could my child have this, how are we ever going to survive this, and there is no good outcome from these things how could I ever go on if we loose him? I just stared at him wondering how long we would have him?
My brain and my heart where telling me two different things at this point and for about 24 hours until after his surgery. My brain was saying no one survives this and my heart was saying he has to survive this.
The other moment I relive over and over, is when Dawson was already on the ventilator and under it was 2 am and the Neurosurgeon said we decided to scan his spine to look for more tumors. I thought at that moment that is was over, my little boy was going to leave this Earth way before any of us. I collapsed on his bed, my legs just gave out the room was spinning I thought I was going to pass out! See the brain is all connected to the spine, the fluid runs all through it which means if you have brain cancer you often have some in your spine. I knew that but was not prepared to hear it. The Neurosurgeon grabs my shoulders and says it was clear, his spine was clear. I could have killed him he should have started with that news first!!
Still to this day 8 months later I still relive it!!! Everyday! It is so hard to put it away, the feelings are so fresh in my mind it feels like it was yesterday! It often creeps up on me and I can usually control my emotion most of the time but the end of the month there is no controlling it. I often start crying for no reason, at work, the store, in the car, at church etc. I NEVER, NEVER want to feel that hopelessness and fear again!
Of course now I am even more neurotic, every bruise is Leukemia, every ache is a bone tumor, it is awful. I watch him like a hawk, waiting for signs or symptoms, wondering when and if it will ever grow back!
David and I decided that vomiting is not allowed in our house! That was of course his first outward symptom and it triggers horrible feelings. A few weeks ago Brielle was coughing in the middle of the night and threw up, David started to panic. He was freaking out, then we realized why. Bad memories!!!
I am sorry for being MIA lately its just during this time I hate everyone, I do not want to see anyone and have to fake normalcy, I just want to be alone and cry. Then after a few days I feel better.
Sooo the next couple of days should bring a weeks worth of overdue posting:)

8 comments:

Missy said...

Kristin, my heart goes out to you. I haven't through anything so horrible but fear it always, always afraid something will happen. Keep the faith. luv ya!

Anonymous said...

Get over yourself!

Anonymous said...

You are so ridiculous! All you ever do is complain and cry about how hard things are on you and how difficult your life is, get over yourself! Why don’t you wake up and look at the real world and see how petty and immature you are being. God saved your son, now move on! You are so self absorbed and you think you have it so hard. Look at the rest of the world and then try to feel sorry for yourself. All you do is complain about how your son was sick, well now he is better and you are still complaining and needy for attention. Grow up or stop blogging!

Anonymous said...

WOW...GET OVER IT???? Who ever wrote that is sure Chicken S--- to not sign their name. If you are going to write something so rude at least be grown up enough to sign your name.

Just remember, what goes around, comes around and for being so cruel, something awful will happen to you so you will learn a hard lesson and I feel sorry for you when that day comes.

I am proud to sign my name.

I am ESTHER MILIUS!

Anonymous said...

Get over yourself huh? Wow, what a coward and a pathetic human being!! Do you have nothing going on in your life? Just reading what you wrote makes me want to throw up. Your a perfect example of a Sh***Y human being who's opinion counts for nothing because of your astonishing high level of ignorance. Sorry those might be kind of big words for someone who has been spoiled their entire life and never had to live through a tragic experience. "Grow up or stop blogging" a direct quote from the coward. Now in my opinion should this quote be applied to the person who's son had a BRAIN TUMOR and she wants to vent to her family and friends, or to the person who is so desperate for attention that they leave a comment so ridiculous and inconsiderate that it makes everyone who reads it want to gag! Now you need to grow up and if your going to leave a comment like that, why don't you grow a pair and leave your name so that everyone knows who the SH***Y human being is... at least then you wont be that, AND a COWARD.

Anonymous said...

Hooray, I am glad to see I am not the only one that thinks the person that wrote that evil comment is a S----- human being. Oh well, they just made themselves look like an ass. The pathetic human being that won't even sign their name. Poor Coward with no life!

Mimi

Nikomi said...

that person makes me laugh... he/she spends time reading about your life (kinda stalkerish) and then has the nerve to anonymously tell you to get over what most people could never imagine feeling. he/she must have a pretty crappy life, and if they had any kind of intelligence would realize that your reactions are completely NORMAL!


The kids are so cute! I can't believe how big brielle is! Goodluck with everything. I miss u guys!

kimber said...

someone just called me to tell me about this post and i had to read it for myself i don't know who anonymous is but YOU GET OVER YOURSELF! Do you have no compassion for Kristin or her family? Have you walked in her shoes? You have no right to judge how she handles it or when she should be over the it! Do you think this is how Christ would respond? I think not! I don't Kristin very well only from church but what i do know is a kind and funny person. If you have balls enough to write something so mean to her then have balls enough to put your name by it! I can't stand people who go around and do a jam and run routine but don't want to stay to face the music! I am a firm beliver in say it like it is! So i will say it to you who ever anonymous is you are a very mean hurtful person to be so lame to not let others know who you are! And i feel sorry for you - Have some love in your heart and compassion for others! Wait i see clearly now you have no heart cause anyone that did would never think that or say that!