Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Grateful.....

Today I am finding myself very grateful. Grateful for all the blessings I have. For the miracle that Dawson and my family was given. It has been a rough month or so in the brain tumor world and with each child that passes I grow more and more grateful for my Baby D!.....

I am thankful for my kids because:
I get to clean dirty, stained clothes,
I get to fold loads and loads of their laundry,
I get to cook meals for them,
I get to clean up after meal messes,
I get to redo hair several times a day,
I get to kiss owies,
I get to watch as they completly loose control,
I get to see their personalities test boundaries,
I get the opportunity to Mother them here on this Earth,
I get the oppotunity to hear them say "I love you"
I get to snuggle with them,

I AM SO BLESSED.....

Here is an entry from a Mother who lost her child to a brain tumor exactly a year ago:

One Year:

Sweet Liam~

Two years ago I began this journal for you. We were a mom and dad given the most unimaginable news. I wanted people to see you through my eyes, through the eyes of your Daddy. I wanted them to know how much life and hope there still was in our family.
I remember that morning in April holding your hand and it struck me how tiny you were. This was your kindergarten year just five days after your sixth birthday. We'd been so busy marveling at what a big boy you were becoming. That morning as you lay so helpless with a monster in your brain you seemed so remarkably little to me. You were just six..just six. Mommy came to find out though that although you were just six, your courage was mighty.
God was certainly with us the days and months that followed. You reminded me of that in such profound and ordinary ways. I saw it the first morning after you came home from the hospital and I found you and Owen quietly playing with one of your jets. I saw it when you decided to try riding your scooter again. I saw it when you sat so still and calmly at your many dr appointments and as you took your chemo without hesitation or complaint. I saw it the day you decided no more anesthesia for radiation and when you boarded the bus the first day of first grade. Some months later, I watched as you carefully walked with your walker from the school parking lot to your class determined despite your struggle to make it there on your own. How in the world did you ever get so brave, Liam? I am still astounded by that.
Indeed everything changed that day in April but you know some things, perhaps the most precious of things, remained the same. Your sense of humor for one! Never once did you ask "Why me?" Your heart was so full of love. For your family, friends,school, doctors and nurses. Animals, who must have sensed your gentle spirit. But more than anything you loved God. We could see so fully what peace that gave you. Couldn't we all learn something from that?
Today marks one year since God freed you from the disease that had overcome your body. But I know with certainty that cancer did not in fact steal your spirit. You, my boy, were way stronger than any of that.
I can't pretend this year has been easy. Matter of fact these twelve months make cancer look easy. So many special days have come and gone and each greeted with bittersweetness. I am stunned how the sheer force of life propels given that such a huge part of my heart went with you that day. But still here we find ourselves. It's difficult to explain the ache that comes at the sight of your green backpack hanging starkly in the hall closet. How it pains my heart to notice how small the hand print on your stepping stone looks and how Owen's own fingers stretch far beyond yours now. Still I see you son in the faces of Maeve and Owen and in the funny nature of Aidan..how he sings out the little songs you used to make up with such abandon. How he shakes his little booty dancing around here just like you. I see you in the stories they share with me now..their memories of you. I see the love you share with them in their tears when the missing pours out. I see you in the quiet strength of your Daddy, in the way he helps us laugh even when we hurt the most.
In the days following your passing I wondered how I could possibly do this for the rest of my days. But I am coming to terms that a month, a year, a day is only my very limited, human understanding of time. As difficult as these days have been God has allowed for other things to remain in our hearts like love and laughter and still.. hope.
If I could see you now Liam I imagine you would crawl up into my lap and settle down in my arms just like always. I would fix your hair gently to the left. I would look in your bright blue eyes and trace the crazy arch of your brow. I would tell you how much I love you and how despite my longing to keep you with me, I celebrate your new life fully in Christ free from your struggle. I would tell you how you have turned my gaze more fully to my God and how your seven years and two months filled my heart. I would tell you how the promise you shared of hope and faith guides my days. It's ironic perhaps how gratitude can be mixed in with the heaviness of grief but if we don't remain grateful for your life no matter how limited your days, I can't imagine where we would be. There would be no room for anything else.
I know you are with us Liam.You live in my heart. The things we had hoped for your life here have changed now to the hope we have to live with you where we'll never have to say goodbye again. I know with utter certainty you are my angel. Save a place my sweet boy. Pray for me. I love you,
Mommy

PS. I NEED THESE REMINDERS...I NEED TO BE MORE GRATEFUL AND NOT SO EASILY IRRATATED...

1 comment:

Missy said...

I can't read that letter right now. I will later...love ya!