When we arrived...............

When we arrived at Primary Children's Hospital is when our world as we new it really started to change. We were brought quickly into reality. A sad reality for many families and children. Dawson was wheeled through the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and one of the nurses remarked, "Oh he is way to healthy to be in here you must be in the wrong place." I felt relieved. Yes, we do not belong here!

We walked around to the Neuro Trama floor which by the way, you never, never want to be there! Shortly, after getting our room the Neurosurgeon Fellow came to talk to us. He said at this point all we know is that Dawson has a mass and it needs to come out. So expect to have surgery in the next 48-72 hours. He was really vague and non personable. He told us that he and his team were going to review his CT scan and then he would order more tests before we really know anything. An MRI was ordered immediately and the wait began.
The Fellow came back within 30 minutes. He had worry all over his face! He explained that Dawson was a lot sicker than he thought. His brain was severely swollen. His tumor was larger than they were told and that he could suffer severe brain damage if they did not put a External Drain in his skull put him in a medical induced coma and perform emergency surgery at 7am. He was shocked that Dawson was conscious (somewhat) and not seizing! He showed us the CT scan on the computer in Dawson's room and I almost fainted. It looked huge! To top of this conversation David was not even at the hospital yet!...I had to repeat all of this to him after he arrived. I was not there alone but having to repeat it actually hurt my insides.
Within 15 minutes they doped him up with Morphine and he held his head up for the first time in a week! Then they took him away. That was hard. He waved goodbye in his drug induced alert state and I sobbed.
Everyone was starving and we were told it would take a couple hours to finish his MRI and his drain. We ended up at Chili's restaurant where I proceeded to chew out a perfect stranger! That day my perspective on life changed! Little problems were pointless! When I heard this woman complaining about her soda not tasting right I lost it!. I told her, "My son was just diagnosed with a brain tumor, and he is having a drain but in his brain as we speak, who cares about your stupid soda!" Now I feel terrible about it but at the time I didn't care. This woman looked at me like I was insane. Which I was, and still am :)
When we arrived back at Primary Children's they were not done with Dawson. Two hours turned into about six. I was really worried because we hadn't heard anything! After, we finally got the call to come back we were told that they had an extremely difficult time getting the drain in because there was so much pressure in his brain. Also, the MRI took longer than expected because they wanted to scan his spine as well. I fell onto Dawson's crib when they told me that!
The explained that they thought based on location that the tumor might be benign but would not know until the final pathology came back. He said they would take him back at 7am and the surgery would last about 4-6 hours. They explained they would remove part of his skull, re-arrange some of his brain and get the tumor. Then put it all back together with screws and plates.
The most genius question I could come up with sobbing again, "Will he beep at airports?" Yep that's right. Will he be able to go through the airport. Lovely, I know!
At about 3am I decided since he was just laying there I was probably okay to go lay in my "Parent's Room (CELL)" and try to sleep for a couple hours.

TODAY.......................

It is very hard to put into words what the last few days have felt like. It was 2 years ago today that we got the diagnosis of a brain tumor for Dawson. It some aspects it feels like forever ago!..In other aspects it feels like yesterday!...



When we went to the pediatrician that day, the 27th of July "I KNEW SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT." He had only been throwing up for 2 days but my Mommy instinct told me to worry and demand help. I remember pleading with the on call doctor to admit him to the hospital and run scans on his brain! She thought it was just a flu as did all the other doctors but I knew otherwise. I told her to look at him, he cannot hold his head up, he will not open his eyes, and he will only sit in this position!



After some blood work that came back dehydrated she finally agreed to admit him!...So thankful! His pediatrician was there in the hospital that night what a relief to have him there! He also reassured me it was the flu and that after a night of fluids he would feel much better. That did not happen!



This is how he looked the next morning!...Not any better! I begged his pediatrician to do a CT scan. I remember him telling me..."CT scans expose the child to a lot of radiation, we do not want to expose him." I thought at the time, if my child has a brain tumor I DO NOT CARE ABOUT A LITTLE EXPOSURE TO RADIATION! The doc says lets run some other tests today and if they all come back normal we will do a CT SCAN first thing in the morning!....
Tests were run and my boy still was not any better. The CT scan was ordered for the next morning. The morning of the 29th. We watched as our 20 month old baby was strapped to the table for a CT scan but didn't put up a fight at all. He just laid there with his eyes half open.
I watched on the computer screen as they scanned his brain. I looked for anything that might catch my eye. Of course I saw nothing!..Now I know what to look for; what an accomplishment! On the way back to our room the Radiologist started asking strange questions, "Has Dawson had any falls lately?" "Has he been out of the Country?" My gut told me brain swelling! He told us the Doctors would get the results in 30 minutes. 3 hours later no word. My heart grew heavy! When our nurse cleared out our relatives, my stomach sank. Then our "OFF" duty pediatrician walks in!....I almost threw up! The doctors would not look me in the eyes. The first thing out of their mouths was, "Dawson's CT scan results are back and we found a MASS, we do not know what it is but it is not good." That sentence plays over and over in my nightmares and in my day dreams.



The pediatricians were not sure what the Neurosurgeons would want to do exactly so they said prepare to stay a long time and prepare to have emergency brain surgery. Here is my cute baby boy in the Ambulance on the way to Primary Children's Hospital. This is the first time he had his head up since the 24th of July. The whole ambulance ride was a blur. I sobbed and sobbed. Dawson had a blank stare on his face the whole time like nothing was processing for him. It was very hard to see. The next several hours were some of the looooooongest in my entire life. They will require a post all on there own.


All of these pictures were taken with my phone because we were not exactly planning to need a camera.

Prego Pic!!...

Everyone keeps asking me for a "Belly" Pic of my pregnant self....Sooo I gave in!...Here I am at 27 weeks!..ENJOY ;)

4th of July Fun.....

We went to our yearly West Point City 4th of July party!!...It is always fun!..They feed us residents for $1 and usually it is yummy BBQ....This year not sooo much!...Meatless Sloppy Joes...UGHHHHH......So we filled up on FAIR food...u know Deep Fried Oreos, Gyros, Gigantic Hot Dogs, Kettle Korn etc..:)


There is always a vendor selling glow sticks but I decided Im not paying $5 each...sooo I came prepared with glow sticks for a BUCK...Yep these glasses were only a BUCK!....GO ME...


The glasses did not want to stay on but...we figured them out!...and they were awesome!


Blurry but oooohhh sooo cute!...


Sweet Lyla Girl!!...LOVE HER


That's my crazy GIRL....:)


Look at that beautiful SUNSET..WOW...

Disclaimer: All pictures taken with my iPhone..:)

Hawaiian Girl

Recently Teresa and Denny went to Hawaii...They brought back souvenirs for all their kids but also for Brielle!..Her very own Hawaiian outfit!...It is a adorable!...The coconut shells are FLAT..hahahah...
She is sooo excited!...
We are going to Hawaii with the WHOLE Milius Family next July and she has already packed this outfit!...;)
Love this girl and the shy face!

Grateful.....

Today I am finding myself very grateful. Grateful for all the blessings I have. For the miracle that Dawson and my family was given. It has been a rough month or so in the brain tumor world and with each child that passes I grow more and more grateful for my Baby D!.....

I am thankful for my kids because:
I get to clean dirty, stained clothes,
I get to fold loads and loads of their laundry,
I get to cook meals for them,
I get to clean up after meal messes,
I get to redo hair several times a day,
I get to kiss owies,
I get to watch as they completly loose control,
I get to see their personalities test boundaries,
I get the opportunity to Mother them here on this Earth,
I get the oppotunity to hear them say "I love you"
I get to snuggle with them,

I AM SO BLESSED.....

Here is an entry from a Mother who lost her child to a brain tumor exactly a year ago:

One Year:

Sweet Liam~

Two years ago I began this journal for you. We were a mom and dad given the most unimaginable news. I wanted people to see you through my eyes, through the eyes of your Daddy. I wanted them to know how much life and hope there still was in our family.
I remember that morning in April holding your hand and it struck me how tiny you were. This was your kindergarten year just five days after your sixth birthday. We'd been so busy marveling at what a big boy you were becoming. That morning as you lay so helpless with a monster in your brain you seemed so remarkably little to me. You were just six..just six. Mommy came to find out though that although you were just six, your courage was mighty.
God was certainly with us the days and months that followed. You reminded me of that in such profound and ordinary ways. I saw it the first morning after you came home from the hospital and I found you and Owen quietly playing with one of your jets. I saw it when you decided to try riding your scooter again. I saw it when you sat so still and calmly at your many dr appointments and as you took your chemo without hesitation or complaint. I saw it the day you decided no more anesthesia for radiation and when you boarded the bus the first day of first grade. Some months later, I watched as you carefully walked with your walker from the school parking lot to your class determined despite your struggle to make it there on your own. How in the world did you ever get so brave, Liam? I am still astounded by that.
Indeed everything changed that day in April but you know some things, perhaps the most precious of things, remained the same. Your sense of humor for one! Never once did you ask "Why me?" Your heart was so full of love. For your family, friends,school, doctors and nurses. Animals, who must have sensed your gentle spirit. But more than anything you loved God. We could see so fully what peace that gave you. Couldn't we all learn something from that?
Today marks one year since God freed you from the disease that had overcome your body. But I know with certainty that cancer did not in fact steal your spirit. You, my boy, were way stronger than any of that.
I can't pretend this year has been easy. Matter of fact these twelve months make cancer look easy. So many special days have come and gone and each greeted with bittersweetness. I am stunned how the sheer force of life propels given that such a huge part of my heart went with you that day. But still here we find ourselves. It's difficult to explain the ache that comes at the sight of your green backpack hanging starkly in the hall closet. How it pains my heart to notice how small the hand print on your stepping stone looks and how Owen's own fingers stretch far beyond yours now. Still I see you son in the faces of Maeve and Owen and in the funny nature of Aidan..how he sings out the little songs you used to make up with such abandon. How he shakes his little booty dancing around here just like you. I see you in the stories they share with me now..their memories of you. I see the love you share with them in their tears when the missing pours out. I see you in the quiet strength of your Daddy, in the way he helps us laugh even when we hurt the most.
In the days following your passing I wondered how I could possibly do this for the rest of my days. But I am coming to terms that a month, a year, a day is only my very limited, human understanding of time. As difficult as these days have been God has allowed for other things to remain in our hearts like love and laughter and still.. hope.
If I could see you now Liam I imagine you would crawl up into my lap and settle down in my arms just like always. I would fix your hair gently to the left. I would look in your bright blue eyes and trace the crazy arch of your brow. I would tell you how much I love you and how despite my longing to keep you with me, I celebrate your new life fully in Christ free from your struggle. I would tell you how you have turned my gaze more fully to my God and how your seven years and two months filled my heart. I would tell you how the promise you shared of hope and faith guides my days. It's ironic perhaps how gratitude can be mixed in with the heaviness of grief but if we don't remain grateful for your life no matter how limited your days, I can't imagine where we would be. There would be no room for anything else.
I know you are with us Liam.You live in my heart. The things we had hoped for your life here have changed now to the hope we have to live with you where we'll never have to say goodbye again. I know with utter certainty you are my angel. Save a place my sweet boy. Pray for me. I love you,
Mommy

PS. I NEED THESE REMINDERS...I NEED TO BE MORE GRATEFUL AND NOT SO EASILY IRRATATED...

Bad Pictures????

Have you parents every seen a bad photo of your kids?? For me I cannot say that I have!...I mean there is the eye blink and crazy face..but to me they are all funny and cute. Plus, I think my kids are gorgeous so why would I think any picture is bad ;)



Like this handsome boy?


Or this full laughing smile??


Or this heart stopper??


How about this crazy haired on the go girl??


These sparkling eyes??


This is one of my favorites. What is he looking at? His eyes are so intense...I love it!

Now I'm sure that all of these photos are "technically" wrong from a photographers stand point...but I love them!...That is all I want. Tons and Tons of pictures that I love of my favorite kids in the whole world!..(that is why kiddie kandids loves me..I have never seen a picture I do not want!) :))))

Eat your hearts out...PART 2 :)))

This is Brielle's closet. It has always been well a problem! We have a bin on the floor for undies, and a bin for socks! Then on the other side of the closet I have one of those hanging organizers for all her PJ's. Why not in a dresser? I hate them!.. She now has one but my kids rooms are not large!...and by not large I mean SMALL. Soooo for space sake I prefer closet organization!...This is how it started..


With no REAL linen closet I have resorted to putting extra sheets in each closet. That is what is on the shelf. Then I had this epiphany the other day. Why not put "cubbies" in her closet!...Especially for the boys because all I have is a changing table for storage and Dawson's clothes must go somewhere.




So the idea was put to the test! I started with Brielle's closet and took down the two rods! (There is a full length rod on the other side of the closet!) Then I measured out how I wanted them.


This project was actually a little harder than the laundry room for many reasons but I now feel confident in doing the boys room. Now I just need the motivation. THIS CLOSET EXHAUSTED ME!....


I put up support beams because lets face it...I'm sure I will catch my kids climbing on these shelves at some point!....Attached everything to studs and each other...



Here they are finished..time to caulk and paint!...The fun part!!!:))))



I love to paint!....anything and everything!...Sooo therapeutic to me!!



Put PJ's on the bottom. Socks in the little cubbie and underwear in another. Tights in one and bathing suits in another. The extra linens way up high ;) and Brielle filled the rest with her "treasures." I have not decided if I will get rid of the entire dresser and fill the rest of the cubbies but for now we are loving the organization....BIG SMILE :) With the boys I will go further down to the floor since I will have all their clothes in there and there are two ;) ENJOY!! (PS pics taken with iPhone..sorry for the quality)

Sweet Baby Sofia Rose Stefan.......

My sweet new niece, Sofia.......She was so big she had to come C-section!...I think 9lb 4oz but this pregnant brain is not that great at remembering things lately ;) It is soooo strange to see a STEFAN..with color!!....

I do not know about you but to me this baby is all STEFAN...:)

My kids just love her!...Look at those fat cheeks!

Sooo sweet!!....

I don't think I took enough pics!!..:)

Look at that sweet profile...love>

Ohhh....I wanna keep her forever!!...I want her to be mine!..I love this baby sooo much already!..

Eat your hearts out.................

I don't know what it is about pregnancy but it makes me want to organize!...I hate, hate HATE clutter!...I like everything to have a place and everything to be in its place. After being in our house for nearly 5 years I finally came to the conclusion I need to create more room for dirty clothes.! With working and being pregnant I find that I just do not get to the laundry as often as I would like or should. And if it does get washed it often sits in a basket until it is used again!...I know terrible!!
In our laundry room, we had the coat closet from the hallway built into the laundry room instead of having an actual closet. Great idea but with the gigantic winter coats hanging there year round it left no room for dirty clothes! Or clean for the matter :)
As embarrassed as I am look at the laundry disaster you would not get the full joy unless you saw a before!...Ughhh...I had major anxiety about going in the laundry at all!...My solution!??!?!?!?!?
Floor to ceiling shelves!!!...Eliminate the winter coats...now hung downstairs and build shelves large enough to hold 2 laundry baskets on each shelf!...Making a total of 10, yes 10 laundry baskets!!!!........YAAAAAAAA
It actually went easier than expected and I love, LOVE IT. Painted it all to match and of course had to buy some new laundry baskets so they all matched ;) I have never had laundry hampers in the kids rooms. I hate them! Instead the kids have always brought their dirty clothes from the day and thrown them in the ONE basket. Now with all the clothes we accumulate it was just not working!
Even more exciting....my kids are now separating their own clothes from lights and darks! Progress! So we have towels in the bottom two baskets, kids clothes on the next shelf, Mom and Dad clothes on the next shelf up, then clean clothes on the next two shelves!...NOW I NEVER HAVE TO FOLD AGAIN....well if I don't want to that is!!....SOOOOO HAPPY!

This shelving project has spun me on an organization binge...built cubbies in Brielle's closet (pics to come) and now plan on doing the boys closet!...Maybe next week :)